Thursday, July 21, 2011

My soul yearns to soar in its own direction

It’s all a game and I’ve become the prey.

I want you to speak to me; I want you to leave me alone. One contradiction after the other and I’m left standing where you left me. I don’t know what to ask of you because one way or the other it’s always the same, constant cycle.

My subconscious warningly whispers: “Perhaps he has moved on; he has moved on. If he cared, if he truly cared, he would put in much more effort. You should know better, you should know better…”

My heart screams out emptiness. Words fail because it knows the truth that it’s finding tough to accept. There is no justification, no reason as to why I am stuck, trapped in this web of unfulfilled promises and meaningless words.

And still I shut these thoughts out because they hurt. I recreate the “could have been”, trying to piece together the “what if’s.”

You let me slip beneath your fingers. I fell headfirst onto the concrete; not once, not twice, but over and over again. And I broke: physically, mentally, and emotionally until their was nothing left to break.

Perhaps it’s both our wrongdoings.

Me:  A stone brick wall, scared to show emotions, scared to give more. Always scared, always doubting. Because every time I hoped, every time I opened up and gave you part of me, you pulled apart and left with the pieces. You took every single piece, leaving me with fragments of something I can’t define.

All along you knew my heart. I’m still trying to figure out yours.

You: Experienced, master of your own game, the ladies’ man, unconquerable, free. Master of words, dashing and flirtatious. Your words are velvet, confident, laced with sincerity, sincerity that I find hard to believe.
Your actions contradict your words. I find myself believing you, knowing well that I shouldn’t expect anything but just words.

And the small instances when your actions proved the value of your words? I’ll keep those memories because they’re all I’ll ever have of you.

I need to let go. This is leading me nowhere. You have chosen your path. And your heart is somewhere out there, unreachable, unattainable. And my heart feels bounded to you. Is that why you come back? You know I’m still here, chained to the remnants of everything you left behind.

Yet, I want to hold on in vain hopes that maybe one day you’ll stay. The possibility is futile; a speck of light diminishing in an ocean of darkness.

I fell for you. You said you loved me, you implied your emotions so perfectly, so eloquently. Your affections are something I’ll never be able to decipher.

I’ll let you fly, I can’t wait no more. My legs yearn to run; my soul yearns to soar in its own direction; far from you.

As jumbled as these thoughts are, as unsure as I am, I realize: At this moment, I’m not ready anymore; you were never ready. I’m done; you didn’t want anything to begin with.

Goodbye to you.


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